![]() ![]() That’s how embedded in my brain this commercial is.īut aside from the advertisements and the fun graphic design of the box, the cereal sells itself. Someday I’ll wind up on my deathbed, a senile, trembling old man, mumbling, “Horses, hoops…balls, bears…elephants…and… lions,” before quietly passing away. But there never was, and never will be, another song that seared itself into my mind like the one for Circus Fun. The tunes from Wrigley’s - Doublemint, Spearmint, Juicy Fruit, Big Red - still stick with me to this day. Sure, the old McDonald’s and Burger King jingles were catchy. ![]() “ It’s a birthday party in a bowl!” Circus Fun I think General Mills should up the ante and create something like, I don’t know…”Fudge Frosted Cake ‘n Ice Cream with Marshmallows” cereal. And there are little bastards out there eating bowlfuls of this before school? People shouldn’t be eating this shit for breakfast, so let’s give them the most un-breakfast-like names we can think of, and see if we can sell it to them anyway.” Jesus, it was a special treat when I got ice cream or a cupcake for dessert. When it came to naming these decadent breakfast desserts, the marketing teams essentially said, “Fuck it. Or Cupcake Pebbles, or Oreo O’s, or Smorz. Then there are cereals like Ice Cream Cones. Wait, just a hint? This cereal provides a whopping 13 grams of sugar per cup! But they had you fooled, right? Unhealthy, sugar-laden food disguised as “good for you” is a staple of American diets. Yessir, this is wholesome whole grain cereal, with 24 percent of your daily fiber requirements in only one serving, and just a hint of sweetness. What could this cereal possibly have tasted like? Ice Cream ConesĪs we know, many brands of cereals are unhealthy - and that includes some cereals you wouldn’t suspect. While OJ’s might not have been the most appealing bright orange foodstuff to pop up on store shelves, I’d still have loved to try it, solely out of curiosity. He rounds up OJ-branded oranges into orange corrals so Kellogg’s can “take the sweet juice and put it into OJ’s cereal,” so explains the narrator who sounds like Will Ferrell doing Gus Chiggins. So here we have OJ Joe, an orange rustlin’ orangeboy who rides a rolling orange. This cereal debuted in 1983, and I think watching Christian Bale gaze into a glowing box of this marshmallowy Kix-like concoction is my earliest memory. I did the Pac-Man. But did I eat the Pac-Man? Hell, no. They’re right, you know: you can do the Pac-Man. And judging by how much I enjoyed the candy it would have been a taste of tiny tangy crunchy heaven. It was the best present I ever received - until she sent me Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cereal the next year. No lie: my grandma - being privy to my low-sugar breakfast plight - gave me a box of Nintendo cereal for Christmas 1989. (scrumptious green and orange bits) on the left, and The Legend of Zelda (rancid purple and red pieces that tasted like they were flavored with Nyquil) on the right. And anyone who grew up in the ’80s remembers the holy grail of two-sided cereal: the Nintendo Cereal System. You know what I miss? Cereals with two different flavors, divided into two separate bags. And with a lifetime’s worth of advertising packed into a block of six hours every Saturday morning, I knew one thing - I wanted them. But they lacked that forbidden element, a certain je ne sais quoi, which I now realize was nothing more than a metric shit-ton of pure sugar. I’d be told to put it back, and I’d have to do the walk of shame down the cereal aisle, knowing I was no more likely to take a bite of Ghostbusters than I was to shotgun a can of my dad’s beer. I would inevitably return home with a box of Kix or Cheerios. I’d gaze longingly at the rows of Fruity Yummy Mummy, or gingerly place a box of Marshmallow Krispies into the grocery cart. Top 10 Most Annoying Cartoon Characters of All Timeīut on the other hand…it’s her fault that I’m never going to experience eating a bowl of Batman.Īs a child, I knew my boundaries, but every now and then - inspired by an animated mascot, usually an anthropomorphic character with extreme obsessive-compulsive tendencies - I’d test the waters. ![]()
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